More like Donny Osmond...

Pity the microphone

In some senses, it’s too early to make predictions about the roiling wasps' nest that is Celebrity Big Brother but to hell with sense:

• Donny Tourette will be continue to be the most interesting housemate but we will discover that he secretly a frightened school boy with a Johnny Rotten fetish
• Ken will be evicted first
• H (I'm sorry...Ian) and Jo will form a hideous singing duo to match the sheer mundane misery of his earlier collaboration with Claire (also ex-Steps, now probably performing in a terrible musical)
• Dirk Benedict will leave the house recognised as a great modern wit
• Danielle will expose her breasts in a number of the lesser men's magazines (this is hardly Nostradamus territory as we have a long precedent to call upon)
• Leo Sayer will be driven clinically insane from having to sleep next to Donny's incredibly pale naked form
• Jermaine Jackson will walk, driven mad by Donny's germs
• Towers of will become a permanent fixture in the tabloids and Donny will be linked to a celebrity love. There will be no improvement in his record sales
• Ken will make enough money from newspaper interviews to create his bizarre Odeon style mausoleum with his films on loop, him stuffed to greet people and his ex-wifes made up as embalmed usherettes
• Shilpa's career will be destroyed
• Carole will remain a non-entity and return to writing bile in a tedious tabloid, only this will now be littered with references to her new celebrity 'friends'

Quotes of the day:

Donny Tourette (after being asked about his influences by Jermaine): "I like front men, Freddy Mercury, Axl Rose...even your f*cking brother at a push." [The tact and delicacy shown by Donny makes him an ideal candidate for the Peace Corps or a role in international diplomacy.]

Russell Brand on Donny's conversations with Ken Russell: "It's like Nick Cotton bullying Godfrey from Dad's Army."