The cult of "celebrities"
So like flu epidemics and New Year diets, a yearly ordeal swings into view - Celebrity Big Brother. This year's housemates are a frightening bunch of D-listers, former C-listers on the slide and entities who should crawl back under their stones forthwith. Here's my rundown of this year's runners and riders.
Jermaine Jackson **
Michael may sunk pretty low and Janet has released some truly dismal records but Jermaine Jackson has now set a new low for the Jackson family by entering Big Brother. He's a self-confessed neat freak and will soon clash with the unwashed and unwilling Donny Tourette. He's also set to go nuclear when questions about Michael get too much for him.
Danielle Lloyd *
The producers were set on getting their hands on a WAG and though she is not the most 'famous' of that odious gaggle, Danielle Lloyd at least has an interesting story, having been stripped her Miss Great Britain crown for riding Teddy Sheringham's rusty chopper.
Ken Russell ****
A shameful move by the producers. Ken Russell is clearly a Big Brother fan (bizarrely) but also very mentally and physically frail. Davina had to shepherd him down the stairs and his walk through the crowd was punctuated by him belting out "I'm singing in the rain." A lovely old gent on first impressions but its sad to see a formely great film maker slumming it with this shower.
Jo O'Meara ***
Blonde. Could actually sing. That is all I can really remember about Jo O'Meara. S Club 7 were a truly dreadful pop group but thankfully they sloped off the stage pretty quickly (although they did spawn the even more odious S Club Juniors before they did.) She will release a single when she gets out - I have no time for her futile denials. It will get to number 3. The follow up will bomb and the record company will drop her.
Leo Sayer **
If Leo worked in your office, he would be the wacky one. Hanging onto his '70s hits (and one recent and fairly appalling remix) with the desperation of a man given a bottle of mineral water in the desert.
Shilpa Shetty **
Stunning and far too polite for BB. She seems spoilt and is used to a Bollywood entourage, so there is a good chance the mask will slip.
Carole Malone *
A tabloid journalist who has attacked reality tv mercilessly in the past. Her excuse for going in the house: "I'll be at the centre of the story every one wants to write about." Already shaping up to be the bossiest bint in the house. She's used to dealing in words of one syllable so it's no suprise she can't spell hypocrite.
Donny Tourette *
The return of Dennis Pennis? I've met the guy so I know he's real. The singer in a sub-Sex Pistols band. Mugged his way up the carpet making enemies. Wasn't too keen on the crowd's "who are you?" chants. Was arrested in Cambridge for ripping down a sound rig and seems to have entered the house purely to rescue his band's comatosed career. Has the shelf life of a sickly may fly. Most likely to beat H to death. Is playing it quiet and sweet at the moment, perhaps he's planning to contradict our expectations. Don't be fooled - he's a div.
Ian 'H' Watkins **
From the ridiculous to the down right stupid. Former Steps man, H, came out in the Sun just prior to his entrance into the house. In other news, Pope Wears Funny Hat and Bear Shit In Woods.
Cleo Rocos ***
Filling the Rula Lenska role in this series. Massive breasts and even bigger hair. Former Kenny Everett stooge Cleo is funny and flirty and seems to be a hit with Donny.
Dirk Benedict ***
Face from the A-Team, a real wild card. He's got charm and arrived in the famous black transit. My favourite thus far.
Jermaine Jackson **
Michael may sunk pretty low and Janet has released some truly dismal records but Jermaine Jackson has now set a new low for the Jackson family by entering Big Brother. He's a self-confessed neat freak and will soon clash with the unwashed and unwilling Donny Tourette. He's also set to go nuclear when questions about Michael get too much for him.
Danielle Lloyd *
The producers were set on getting their hands on a WAG and though she is not the most 'famous' of that odious gaggle, Danielle Lloyd at least has an interesting story, having been stripped her Miss Great Britain crown for riding Teddy Sheringham's rusty chopper.
Ken Russell ****
A shameful move by the producers. Ken Russell is clearly a Big Brother fan (bizarrely) but also very mentally and physically frail. Davina had to shepherd him down the stairs and his walk through the crowd was punctuated by him belting out "I'm singing in the rain." A lovely old gent on first impressions but its sad to see a formely great film maker slumming it with this shower.
Jo O'Meara ***
Blonde. Could actually sing. That is all I can really remember about Jo O'Meara. S Club 7 were a truly dreadful pop group but thankfully they sloped off the stage pretty quickly (although they did spawn the even more odious S Club Juniors before they did.) She will release a single when she gets out - I have no time for her futile denials. It will get to number 3. The follow up will bomb and the record company will drop her.
Leo Sayer **
If Leo worked in your office, he would be the wacky one. Hanging onto his '70s hits (and one recent and fairly appalling remix) with the desperation of a man given a bottle of mineral water in the desert.
Shilpa Shetty **
Stunning and far too polite for BB. She seems spoilt and is used to a Bollywood entourage, so there is a good chance the mask will slip.
Carole Malone *
A tabloid journalist who has attacked reality tv mercilessly in the past. Her excuse for going in the house: "I'll be at the centre of the story every one wants to write about." Already shaping up to be the bossiest bint in the house. She's used to dealing in words of one syllable so it's no suprise she can't spell hypocrite.
Donny Tourette *
The return of Dennis Pennis? I've met the guy so I know he's real. The singer in a sub-Sex Pistols band. Mugged his way up the carpet making enemies. Wasn't too keen on the crowd's "who are you?" chants. Was arrested in Cambridge for ripping down a sound rig and seems to have entered the house purely to rescue his band's comatosed career. Has the shelf life of a sickly may fly. Most likely to beat H to death. Is playing it quiet and sweet at the moment, perhaps he's planning to contradict our expectations. Don't be fooled - he's a div.
Ian 'H' Watkins **
From the ridiculous to the down right stupid. Former Steps man, H, came out in the Sun just prior to his entrance into the house. In other news, Pope Wears Funny Hat and Bear Shit In Woods.
Cleo Rocos ***
Filling the Rula Lenska role in this series. Massive breasts and even bigger hair. Former Kenny Everett stooge Cleo is funny and flirty and seems to be a hit with Donny.
Dirk Benedict ***
Face from the A-Team, a real wild card. He's got charm and arrived in the famous black transit. My favourite thus far.
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